Will you be my valentine?
Do give this the utmost consideration. If
you will be my valentine, let me say that I
am, first, of all men most privileged, and
second, about to engage in heavy research
about what being someone's valentine
actually entails.
If you will not be my valentine, I must
assume this is only because you would
prefer me to ask you to marry me. If
so, poste haste and with rapidity in
extremis, I would, My Sweetling, desire
your hand- and as much of the rest of you
as possible -in blissful matrimony.
But wait. I traverse ahead of myself. I
have not introduced myself. Sure I have
spent many hours ogling over your
Instagram photos and following you
closely on Twitter, but I have never, as it
were, had the opportunity of introducing
myself.
I am The Editor.
Ah, My Lollipop, I can see your sad smile
now. You are shaking your head, wondering
if I am just another one of those men
struck by your beauty and effortless grace.
Yes, it is true I am one of those men, but if
I might add, I am even more awestruck by
your beauty. There is no hope for me.
Marry me, My Cupcake.
Consider the advantages. I have discussed
them below.
My Fondant, If you marry me , you will be fully protected in the event
of a Zombie Apocalypse. I have
watched Walking Dead (Seasons 1 and
2), and every zombie movie there is. I know
how to finish them off (destroy the brain),
how to stay alive (Run like hell) and how
not to get slowed down by unnecessary
hangers on. (I know so much, I am in fact
publishing a simple handbook on this very
subject called"Surviving The Zombie
Apocalypse" available in stores shortly.
You will of course, get a free signed copy.)
Secondly, the possibility exists that
with your incredibly beautiful genes, and
my deeply rooted interests in you, our
offspring could be the very first of the race
of super intelligent and super powerful
humans. I can see it now: Junior finds the
cure for cancer. His sister brings about
world peace. You and I will bask in
parental pride, secure in the knowledge
that our union has benefited the world
immensely. As I said, the possibility exists.
Thirdly, You will never have to
worry about me going off to be an
astronaut or being called off on some secret
government mission to topple some enemy
regime. I won't even join the Bolivian
Army. I suppose these are some of the first
things you worry about when you a
potential suitor approaches. Rest your
lovely head at ease, My Peppermint stick,
I will do none of these things.
Have you seen Les Miserables yet? I'm
only asking because I haven't and
everyone is going on and on about it.
My Sweetest Sugarplum, I know we
have a lot to figure out, but let us ignore
the little details of whether you love me or
whether you want to get married at all or
whether you will be able to stand me. You
must believe me when I say those are minor details.
Say you will be my valentine, that is all I
ask.
And if you cannot grant that, grant me
your personage in marriage.
And if that proves impossible, could I
please have your phone number, house
address and your word that you will never
ever ever take out a restraining order
against me?
Thank you, My Strawberry Tart.
Yours Infinitely,
The Editor
From ( miabaga.com )
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN
No comments:
Post a Comment